Do I have what it takes to write?

Today, is a big day for me. I decided to start writing again! It’s been a long time since I wrote anything, apart from my short momentary paragraphs on Faceboook or X. What a struggle! I tried when on our recent train tour of Europe... It was Spring... Time in the train could have been productive; however, I was more interested in capturing everything around me. My eyes and soul were in search of adventure and new spaces. I end up taking pictures and making videos,letting my eyes, mind, and heart delight on the new scenery I was experimenting. I did scribble a few notes for future writings. After all,this was the trip of our lifetime - almost three months by train exploring Europe! It was the pinnacle of our travels, one we had been dreaming of since our youth years and for which we never had the money or the time. I should have been inspired.In fact, my mind was quite divided. On one end I was experiencing new places, culture, foods and the train trip, and on the other end I was experiencing sleepless nights filled with anxiety. You see, my heart was torn. My daddy was in palliative care and my husband end up getting Covid during our trip.I guess,my mind was to busy - insufficient space to guide my fingers to write. My heart, my soul were overwhelmed with too many emotions, unable to process them through writing.

Right upon my return,I stayed with my daddy at the hospital. He was very weak, and I felt it was important to be next to him. Everyday,from dawn to after dinner I was by his side. During that time, perhaps I could have find a few moments to write. I didn’t. I couldn't. I was focused on my daddy's last days on this Earth. My attention was completely devoted to my hero - his words , his movements, his breathing, what he could eat, his pains, and his agonies. Always anxious to listen what he wanted to tell me, thirsty to share with him every second of his day. I talked with him, I sang with him,just looked at him and let him stare at me. We talked , we laughed, we smiled at each other. I never cried;he also never cried. We understood what was happening. We knew his days with all of us were almost over. We knew the hour and day of his departue was around the corner. Every minute was precious and yet so peaceful. We all accepted it was time and there was a subtle serenity in the room. When he slept he smiled. He was ready. The days I spent with my dad were a blessing. Not everyone is given this last gift. In his final moments on this planet he turned his face to me and lift his head from the pillow. His eyes filled with a special and wonderful light . I coudl see his last goodbye. With my hands on his I kissed his forehead and whispered to him: “Daddy it is your moment. I love you. We all love you and will continue to love you eternally. You can go now. Yes daddy you can go now. Just go and in peace to the eternal home. I am sure you will find beautiful places in this vast universe. And I am sure you will be with us forever. We both believe in eternal life, in eternal love. I love you so much. We will continue chatting and laughing together daddy. Go now in peace. ” His beautiful green eyes were filled with a vibrant light and he kept looking at me… I kept looking at him my hands on his ... I will never forget the light emanating from his eyes. Those eyes were filled with so much love and, at same time, with so much energy and determination to accept his end with us and to embrace eternal life. Daddy closed his eyes and embarked on his eternal journey. I didn't cry. I felt an enormous peace enveloping everyone in the room, something i had never experienced before. I felt daddy was telling me he was in peace and I should be at peace too.

After my daddy passed, I felt a huge void. I just floated around the house and went on long walks. I did not want to talk with anyone. Instead, I talked with my daddy all the time .I felt he was still right next to me. I told him , without him I felt incomplete. I had long conversations with him on my walks. We chatted about everything. it was like i could hear his replies. I continued not to write. i felt writing would not fill the hole in my heart. Even to write a few words for the funeral ceremony took me sometime. My daddy was very important to me in my life. He was my dearest friend, a beacon of energy and joy. His life was not easy; from an early age he had to climb a difficult mountain. Despite numerous struggles and challenges, he always found a way to be positive. He faced obstacles with a big smile and contagious joy. The truth is, I miss the daily phone calls, the visits, the nights we play cards together, the travels with him. I miss his joyous voice and above all, I miss his bright mind and lovely voice when we had our long chats. He had a way of talking with me that made my soul and heart melt of joy and love.It is not easy to live without his vibrant presence. My daddy motivated me. He provided positive counsel all the time,even motivating me to write. He always kissed me as I was his little girl.

Do I have what it takes to write? My daddy always told me, I do. Maybe, I will write about my daddy and the memories I cherish. Perhaps, I will write about why is life was so important to me and all our family. Maybe, I will be able to let words fly out of my heart and my mind and telling all the stories imprisioned in my soul for so long. Maybe…. Maybe, I will write something again. In the meantime , I will write this blog and continue jotting down notes on whatever lingers in my mind and soul. Hope this will be a prelude to my writing days ahead.